My Thesis Proposal I Never Turned In

My thesis was on the 1991 August Coup in the Soviet Union. Here’s the thesis proposal I wanted to go with, but am certainly glad I didn’t choose:

Abstract

Okay, there was this big revolt in the Soviet Union. You know that place that became Russia? Well, it used to be the Soviet Union. And they were kind of communist. Well, they claimed they were communist, but they were more of a socialist republic without the socialism part (well, and the republic part, too, for that matter). So, I guess they were kind of like an aristocracy, except no one had any money, so they were like a poor aristocracy, and they had no real power either, so they were probably more like a bunch of thugs who would beat you up if you didn’t give them your milk money. We all remember those guys. Those were the same guys that stuffed you in the trash cans during your freshman year in high school, and they’d laugh as you tried to pull yourself out of the can, but some kid before you had thrown his tuna fish sandwich into the trash bin because he was sick, and now you’re covered in bad tuna, and well…wait, I was talking about the Soviet Union.

Definitions:

“the” – This word seems to show up a lot before other words. No one in history has ever figured out what it means.

“fashizzle” – doesn’t really mean anything, but uncool, white guys often use it to pretend they’re not uncool, white guys.

Research Questions

1. So, what’s with that?
2. What the hell is that?
3. Does this make me look fat?
4. Do you think it bites?

Hypotheses

1. If I throw a rock at that really big guy who is working out in the gym with really heavy weights, I believe that my top speed at running will increase twenty percent higher than normal by the time he catches me.
2. Che chingu sogehagesimnida. Ore-kanman-imnida. Anyung haseyo.
3. Life is like a river.
4. If you add one kilajoule of potential energy to a discharged atomic isotope that currently has negative momentum caused by electromagnetic displacement, an equal force of distraction progression (caused by chaotic disbursement) will equal 1/10^th of the fragmentation of disabled housing processing.

Methodology

Start with a base of flour, add in a batch of uncooked rice, approximately 13 ounces, and then stir while frying at a medium boil. After 15 minutes, add paprika and then baste in a turkey baster. Let it sit for an hour and then serve with white wine.

Discussion

So, like, this chick and I are totally digging each other, and then she suddenly reveals that she’s been seeing this other guy, so I says to her: “Yo, babe, I don’t think this is going anywhere,” and she gets all haughty on me, talking about the whole “commitment thing, and I just know she’s going to bring up that I was dating Suzie that one time we broke up for fifteen days, and then she’s gonna….

Conclusions

1. Never poke a one eyed man with a stick. It’s just not a good idea no matter how much you think it might be.
2. Never start with number one if you don’t have a number two to follow it up with.