Tag Archives: Angelina Jolie

Finally an app for studs like me who get way too much sex

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How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of a series of dates, just ran out of condoms during the last orgy you were attending with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, and suddenly Angelina Jolie turns to you in the heat of passion and says, “Duane, please tell me you have a condom on you right now, you great big sexy beastyly man of a stud.” And you do the math, remembering that the pack of Trojans you bought that had 30 condoms in it was supposed to last all day, but you’ve already used up 20 or so during that run in with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders when their bus broke down and only you, in your Penthouse letter-like encounter, required you to service them, which should have meant changing their tire, but you know how these things get out of hand. Anyway, as I was saying, you suddenly do the math and realize that you had planned to save one condom, but Paris Hilton kind of went nuts and then Bjork showed up and needed one to make balloon animals (or whatever the hell she was doing in the corner by herself), so you now have to turn to Angelina and say, “I might not have any condoms left.” And of course, Brad Pitt didn’t bring any, even though he knew he was bringing the two of them to a wife-swapping orgy party you were throwing this weekend, and he had all week to prepare beforehand. So, now you’re left without options.

But out of nowhere a solution has arrived. It turns out that MTV has always had my back. First there was that whole explanatory video about how video killed the radio star, and now they’ve come along and created an iPhone app that tells you where the nearest place is that you can find a condom. So, thanks to MTV, you can now make sure that you never have to say these tragic words: “I’m sorry, Angelina Jolie, but I have no more condoms.”

Apple and Adobe fighting is a lot like when Mommy and Daddy were fighting cause Daddy Slept with the Waitress and Lied about it after

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Okay, maybe not the same. At least I don’t see Apple or Adobe having to sleep on the couch or sneak into your room to ask “Is Mommy Still Mad?”.

It’s been really bizarre lately to listen to the fight between Apple and Adobe about whether or not Flash has broken up the family. Mommy and Daddy, stop fighting, Flash will be good and stop getting into trouble at school if you just stop fighting!

Okay, again, that doesn’t seem to work, but let’s put some history into perspective here because both Apple and Adobe seem to have forgotten how the relationship used to work. You see, I used to work as a computer technician years ago for a university, and I remember when Adobe was the big boy in the computer software bin. Adobe Photoshop was the big kid on the block, and I distinctly remember an Adobe sales rep talking to us about Adobe when me, a PC technician, asked, “why are you still making software for Apple?” Back then, I really didn’t see a future for Apple, and honestly, neither did 99 percent of the rest of the planet. But the rep told me that Adobe continued to make its software for both platforms because Apple still did make good computers, and as long as they continued to make quality software for Apple, they were still going to be around to make those good computers. She told me that it was important for Adobe to continue to support both platforms because both platforms were important for different aspects of the creative community.

Flash-forward a decade, and I was shocked to hear Steve Jobs actually trash talking Adobe, which made me wonder if he even remembered how hard certain companies were working to keep Apple as a viable manufacturer of computer equipment. Back then, I don’t think Adobe would have suffered all that much if it dropped Apple as its main platform for its software, but they never did, and they continued to work with Apple to keep making software that helped Apple become the main type of machine for creating design applications. Somehow, something happened that has really put a real wedge into the middle of what used to be a really cohesive agreement.

All I can think is that Apple has completely forgotten how important Adobe is to its software line, especially with its personal computers. If they’re planning to focus on only iPads, iPods and iPhones, then it makes complete sense, but if they’re still planning to make quality computers, why are they doing everything possible to derail their own future? If other manufacturers of multi-platform software see Apple’s encounters with Adobe as a forerunner of their own future encounters with Apple and Macintosh, then Apple is doing everything possible to destroy its own future as a computer manufacturer.

Look, sometimes Mommy and Daddy get back together for the good of the kid, so perhaps Apple needs to start thinking ahead rather than picking fights with former partners. Of course, sometimes Mommy leaves Daddy so Daddy can hook up with Angelina Jolie after she breaks up with her crazy ex-husband, even though everyone said Daddy was nuts for dumping a hottie like Jennifer Aniston, so if that’s the case, we understand. But someone please think about the children….