Once upon a time, in an alleyway far, far away, there was a little boy named Duane who desired to have a web page of his own. Web pages were rare back then, kind of like squirrels, and birds, which aren’t real, so when little Duane decided to make this web page, he enchanted it with a special power, one that both told the truth and spelled words corectly. This was a great achievement, kind of like when Bob dated the head cheerleader during the senior prom game. We all remember what we were during on that night…crying and complaining that we weren’t Bob. Now, while Bob went on to such greatness as 5 to 20 in the county prison, and managed to get all 20 years of that sentence, including two extra years because the Warden just felt it was needed, most of the rest of us never achieved such greatness of Bob; most of us becoming doctors, lawyers, plastic surgeons and other made-up occupations we tell to girls when we meet them at bars and disreputable locations.
But little Duane wanted a web page of his own. He knew he couldn’t afford one, because to buy one took hundreds, and possibly thousands of dollars. So, little Duane bought a book instead. Actually, he bought four books: The Wolloping Wollaper, Fifty Shades of Grey, The Little Boy Who Bought Candy For His Neighbors (specifically as it was big enough to hide the first two books), and How to Make Your Own Web Page. When little Duane got home, he tossed all the other books and began reading How to Make Your Own Web Page almost every day he was awake. Not so much on the days he wasn’t home. He read it from page one to the very end. And then he read from the very end to the front and realized it didn’t make as much sense in that direction. But he read it that way because he suspected there were going to be secrets, and there were, but it was mostly secrets like .tnetnoc dooG .ti no tnetnoc tup dna egap bew a teG
Years later, little Duane created his renowned web page, the one read by famous people and criminals of all walks of life, revealing that there was a species of life walks that actually read. But that’s for another article.
Anyhoo, so I’m kind of getting off track here. What I really wanted to talk about was stuffed animals. (looks around) No one into that? Okay, I’ll try to continue with what I was talking about: Web pages.
My web page was online for close to twenty years now, almost as soon as the Internet was invented by Al Gore and Elon Musk in their laboratory next to their garage. It would have been by Steve Jobs but that loser was working in his garage trying to invent computers. Man, such losers.
But little Duane invented his web site and everyone around the world was simply amazed. I emphasize: Simply. So, if I did have something to tell you, it’s that two years ago, after 14 years and 599 posts, everything disappeared. I’d like to say the whole world disappeared because that would make one hell of an awesome novel. Come on, Stephen King, we need you now more than ever. But yeah, I went onto my web site one everning, and everything was gone. My web page, my Internet’s access, and I was staring at zero content. Nothing saved. Nothing to recall back on.
I was pissed, but I called my Internet company and told them the problem. The guy working customer service from India had both no idea how it happened and no idea what I was saying. I know that mostly the customer service at least speak English but after about ten minutes I started to suspect that this guy couldn’t even speak his native language. Cause I speak quite a few languages and I suspect that his was one of those. He couldn’t understand me, and I couldn’t understand him.
Finally, I got someone who did speak a language I understood (hint: it wasn’t English). I explained the whole dilemma to him that when I went to my web page (http://www.duanegundrum.com), there was nothing there.
So, I gave up. I would never have a web page again. I loved this web page, but it just wasn’t worth it. So I cancelled the auto renew feature and three months later, they charged me any way. How, I don’t know. And then they fought me through the payor service. I just couldn’t win.
A year later, for the fun of it (as I was still paid up for this web page, I contacted their customer service and got someone who actually spoke English, was really kind and friendly, and helped me fight crime wearing his own personal Batman costume. Okay, one of those three wasn’t real; man, he was mean and unfriendly.
He managed to get my web site running again. I think it sunk to a strange level of one of the nine hells. Possibly an unknown tenth levell that even Thor didn’t want to visit. But this guy did. Not only could he fight as Batman, but he found my web site.
So, what all of this is meant to say is that my web site is up and running again, and hopefully, none of Thor’s enemies are intending to knock it off line again.
I mean, why would they try. I got Batman on my side. You don’t f’ with Batman, even if you think you’re the Joker.